Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
