also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
farters have to be the big spoon...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
