He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
