I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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