I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
