I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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