My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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