I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
