Texts From Last Night · corkybaily022's Favorites

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(805): View more from California

Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times

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(778): View more from British Columbia

4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee

(604): View more from British Columbia

How festive

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(941): View more from Florida

Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult

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(773): View more from Illinois

Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I love you football head

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.

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(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.

(732): View more from New Jersey

You live a charmed life.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it

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(716): View more from New York

He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt

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(641): View more from Iowa

If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on

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(417): View more from Missouri

New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you watch the carolina game tonight?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

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(602): View more from Arizona

All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you

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(905): View more from Ontario

You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"

(1-905): View more from Ontario

He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.

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(219): View more from Indiana

The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen

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(540): View more from Virginia

BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(336): View more from North Carolina

She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.

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(585): View more from New York

javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks

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(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Big girls don't cry they get day drunk

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(613): View more from Ontario

You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".

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(559): View more from California

Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational

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(954): View more from Florida

stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us

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(587): View more from Alberta

Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?

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(417): View more from Missouri

"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"

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(214): View more from Texas

Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(916): View more from California

Yep. How's your hangover?

(1-916): View more from California

It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(516): View more from New York

We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL

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(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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(805): View more from California

Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke

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(310): View more from California

Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.

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(818): View more from California

Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.

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(831): View more from California

After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?

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(330): View more from Ohio

At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."

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(419): View more from Ohio

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.

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(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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(206): View more from Washington

It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2

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(330): View more from Ohio

Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

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(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

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(480): View more from Arizona

How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?

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(916): View more from California

Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties

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(210): View more from Texas

I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.

(512): View more from Texas

There are margaritas in the freezer still.

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(516): View more from New York

You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito

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(513): View more from Ohio

apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday

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(281): View more from Texas

And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.

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(607): View more from New York

I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now

(315): View more from New York

I see you're taking unemployment seriously.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

God you're perfect.

(303): View more from Colorado

I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.

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(510): View more from California

I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.

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(512): View more from Texas

There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.

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(989): View more from Michigan

What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night

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(865): View more from Tennessee

And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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(516): View more from New York

Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.

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(269): View more from Michigan

"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken

(269): View more from Michigan

"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy

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(512): View more from Texas

Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.

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(207): View more from Maine

Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

did u get his digits?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

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(614): View more from Ohio

John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.

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(206): View more from Washington

i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.

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(315): View more from New York

i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake

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(281): View more from Texas

I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(512): View more from Texas

Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice

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(808): View more from Hawaii

i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad

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(647): View more from Ontario

Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(443): View more from Maryland

We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."

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(602): View more from Arizona

for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big

(720): View more from Colorado

Welcome to my life

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.

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(310): View more from California

Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

fair is fair

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(817): View more from Texas

I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.

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(208): View more from Idaho

he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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(206): View more from Washington

In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.

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(718): View more from New York

Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked

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