Texts From Last Night · kenz1515's Favorites

Sorry coldiron hasn't picked any favorites yet.

kenz1515's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

Fav 31 10066 1718
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently

(540): View more from Virginia

and skipped dinner

Fav 22 1446 4888
share tweet

(912): View more from Georgia

I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.

Fav 18 7693 1691
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.

Fav 20 1443 5364
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

Fav 21 7699 2005
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

Fav 24 6506 1539
share tweet

(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

Fav 21 10798 1960
share tweet

(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

Fav 27 8855 1630
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

Fav 34 3666 4724
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid

Fav 22 4970 2499
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

Fav 15 5653 1769
share tweet

(210): View more from Texas

I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.

Fav 34 1507 13679
share tweet

(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

Fav 20 9450 1868
share tweet
(707): View more from California

You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

Fav 16 1476 6022
share tweet

(914): View more from New York

just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.

Fav 35 6633 1469
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

Fav 38 5964 4204
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

Fav 83 3101 8675
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

Fav 34 7235 1798
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

Fav 24 6558 1654
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

Fav 27 14205 2601
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob

Fav 22 1297 12090
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2

(908): View more from New Jersey

Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?

Fav 14 5694 2307
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

Fav 41 13894 1844
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

Fav 27 16988 1527
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

Fav 18 11090 1653
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing

Fav 16 1371 4683
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.

Fav 29 4518 1551
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

Fav 49 7447 2221
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

Fav 101 35342 4427
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

Fav 16 3213 1314
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

Fav 21 9072 1566
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was like, "um, that's my butthole."

Fav 32 2118 6646
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

Fav 30 1356 8974
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

Fav 25 11126 1789
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

Fav 44 7184 2077
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

Fav 19 2109 5673
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26629 1760
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

Fav 7 6162 1287
share tweet
(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

Fav 21 8407 1736
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Church boner. Awkwardddd

Fav 43 3029 6021
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

Fav 148 3969 12928
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

Fav 101 10828 3428
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits

Fav 15 5492 1599
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

You going out tonight?

(318): View more from Louisiana

No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

Fav 18 1559 6717
share tweet
(818): View more from California

So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

Fav 94 9412 1188
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

Fav 96 13846 2782
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

Fav 22 6729 1543
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.

Fav 98 8302 1386
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.

Fav 22 852 5473
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.

Fav 21 1245 6986
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.

Fav 12 1764 5581
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

Fav 24 9176 1548
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying

Fav 12 1245 6504
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

Fav 28 9227 1761
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table

Fav 40 7380 2192
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

Fav 31 12001 1614
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks

Fav 13 6231 1208
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

Fav 19 9005 1686
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me

Fav 28 7743 1193
share tweet
(831): View more from California

No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick

Fav 37 1910 8270
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

Fav 20 6955 1412
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.

Fav 40 1951 7710
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros

Fav 8 5345 1165
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment

Fav 13 5514 1099
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.

Fav 41 1737 6430
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

Fav 17 9001 2441
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

Fav 27 5731 1239
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

Fav 17 16526 1701
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

Fav 41 15649 1618
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

Fav 26 6589 1480
share tweet
(714): View more from California

She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

Fav 17 7064 2527
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

Fav 39 3787 5918
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.

Fav 118 6144 6461
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

Fav 35 13047 1899
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

Fav 23 12016 1275
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke

Fav 9 5103 1314
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.

Fav 32 3569 6131
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

Fav 66 26246 3371
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.

Fav 36 7826 1413
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

Fav 65 7750 1837
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.

Fav 18 1348 8109
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

Fav 15 2650 5089
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

Fav 22 6844 1621
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.

Fav 20 2950 5501
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

Fav 49 18833 1913
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping

Fav 18 5203 1248
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

Fav 57 21660 1906
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.

Fav 19 8242 1698
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

Fav 22 7664 1537
share tweet
(831): View more from California

You should get sea herpes

(831): View more from California

I mean sea horses

Fav 21 4126 1068
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

Fav 18 13371 1544
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?

Fav 9 6110 1570
share tweet
(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

Fav 52 2716 10604
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.

Fav 35 5255 2234
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

Fav 159 6423 2441
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

Fav 13 10098 2199
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26746 2046
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.

Fav 41 1227 9640
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

Fav 29 11312 1579
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

Fav 31 20934 1954
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

Fav 11 8161 1724
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

Fav 33 12251 2648
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.

Fav 27 1751 5200
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

Fav 98 28633 2414
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper

Fav 13 6151 2528
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.

Fav 58 1527 7581
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.

Fav 14 6887 1608
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

Fav 25 21252 1555
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

Fav 29 10220 1388
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I'm passing your future prison.

Fav 15 4620 1305
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message

Fav 9 6006 1390
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.

Fav 17 4408 1092
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.

Fav 105 2270 6099
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

Fav 52 12946 3240
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose

Fav 51 2026 6823
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

Fav 27 6467 2811
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

Fav 17 6772 1625
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

Fav 37 19432 1705
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

and the officer said have you been drinking

(864): View more from South Carolina

and i said NOO SIR.

(864): View more from South Carolina

and he said, I am a woman.

Fav 19 2370 7358
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!

Fav 92 2559 5031
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

Fav 56 7968 1738
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.

Fav 11 1176 1931
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

Fav 93 1831 7830
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!

(1-228): View more from Mississippi

brownberry?

Fav 19 1580 6247
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.

Fav 19 1448 3348
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.

Fav 35 1408 15236
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

Fav 11 1536 5442
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him

Fav 18 1174 5671
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

Fav 22 1747 7790
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

Fav 31 12931 1961
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.

Fav 64 1891 4641
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

Fav 14 2286 5983
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

Fav 259 5458 5327
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.

Fav 116 6745 1595
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

good thing vaginas are great cup holders

Fav 47 1314 4526
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever

Fav 22 8071 1586
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

Fav 16 8001 1779
share tweet