dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
