You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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