My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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