Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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