so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
