i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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