If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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