i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She bit a glass in half.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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