Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
