Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
