thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
