i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
