I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
