so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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