This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
