I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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