Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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