Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
it glows. i had to have it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
