Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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