My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
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