smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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