Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
