That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Randomize
