My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i think i just lost a toe
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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