I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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