On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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