Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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