Got a toothbrush?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I have tasted many bathrooms
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
