True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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