Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
