I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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