hotel room ftw
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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