please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
