so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
