Screwed.edu
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
