I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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