..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
