You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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