Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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