we have officially lost it.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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