just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
